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Vent Rant # 9/4/11
camo -119
endvic
Even though Im pretty involved in a lot of community aspects in Arizona, Ive actively considered leaving since at least last September. There's lots of upsides here, its easy to become involved in the community here, at the same time, its very clique-y in a lot of ways that really rub me the wrong way. I can see a time coming where there's not that much I'll be able to contribute here that will results in 1) more work 2) recognition that leads to more work. When I first moved here, it had never been my intention to stay as long as I have. But I placed some roots at the time and even though the reasons I stayed proved to evaporate fairly quickly, Ive sought ways to make a name/living here and its been a continual struggle. Hopefully in a few months, thatll pan out with some projects that have been brewing. Ultimately though, I would like to check out other horizons I think. I can count on one hand the number of close friends I have left here and a lot of projects I was happy to be involved with at one point now are a drudgery or have not given me a level of recognition I hoped when I was involved in them, especially in volunteering my services. Ive put other people ahead of myself for a very long time and maybe its selfish, but at this point I kind of want to be known for the hard work I put in. I miss California and realistic temperatures, but I love a lot of places Ive traveled in the last few years like Austin and Toronto. Ultimately as well, I'm 32 almost 33 years old, I want to build a life and put down roots and settle down with someone - I dont know if thats even possible here in Arizona and again - selfishly - this occupies a lot of my thoughts. No one wants to go to bed alone and know hey if I stay here this is my life FOREVER. Im not old, but it sure fucking feels like it a lot of the time. Its almost 2am and Im working, If not for work, I wouldnt have a lot of fulfillment right now, thats pretty disheartening. I get phone calls and IMs and such from people when they need things, never to say hello or want to hang out. Im a problem solver for fuckups versus a friend and that stings a lot. Maube Im just histrionic or something, I dont know, I feel like no matter how much I vent about this, it continually bothers me that I can help peoples businesses grow thru campaigns from zero to thousands, but a numbskulls writing a local blog on any given topic from video games to ways to roast coffee for hipsters to food blog photos that reach maybe 10-15 people can get a cover story on a weekly alternative paper and I cant move more than 2 pieces in a really awesome painting exhibit - I dont know, im not saying that maybe im being melodramatic or petty, I can see that, but you know you try hard to do things and then its like why are you bothering?

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